Boundaries: The Key To Maintaining Healthy Relationships
It might sound counter-intuitive, trust me I know. But setting boundaries with others is a huge part of maintaining healthy relationships! The truth is, a lot of us are uncomfortable saying “no” and tend to over extend ourselves while trying to please others. Don’t get me wrong, pleasing others is not inherently bad - it’s also an important aspect of maintaining relationships! However, when it comes at the cost of our own wellbeing, practicing with boundaries can work in favour of preserving important connections.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries come in many shapes and sizes and will vary greatly from situation to situation. In general, interpersonal boundaries refer to the limits at which we accept the actions or words of other people and the ways in which we acknowledge and respect the boundaries of others. There are several types of boundaries to consider - time, physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, and material.
Boundaries allow us to evaluate our expectations of others, and ourselves, in order to determine the limits we might place. For example, you may find yourself feeling dismissed and criticized in your relationship when expressing your emotions - this is an emotional violation and can lead to resentment and relationship break-down. In this instance, setting a limit on what you are willing to accept in your relationship in regards to emotional boundaries might include expressing your discomfort with the criticism and being dismissed (“I feel shut down when you criticize and dismiss me), asking for the appropriate support you need (“I need to feel heard and listened to”), while being assertive about your limits (“If this can’t happen, we should return to the conversation at another time”).
Setting boundaries can be scary
The reality is that setting boundaries with others can be scary. It requires an awareness of our thoughts and feelings, and a vulnerability and willingness to communicate them. We typically hold assumptions about boundary setting that act as a barrier to communicating them with others. This might sound like:
“Setting boundaries is rude”
“Setting boundaries will hurt their feelings”
“Setting boundaries will push them away”
These assumptions are understandable, particularly for individuals who have a tendency towards people-pleasing. The thought of saying “no” or expressing how another person’s words and actions impact us, can feel like going against all we know about maintaining relationships. If I keep saying “yes” to requests, am constantly available for support, and keep my wants and needs to myself, my friends will want to keep their relationships with me, right? While this may be true in most cases, the intention of boundary setting is to focus on your own experience. For some people, this can be a brand new concept and can seem quite nerve-wracking - and they’d be right!
It’s admirable to be available to friends, ready for support if needed. But what happens when you yourself are experiencing difficulties, are tied up at work, or want to spend some time alone? The expectation to be available to others at the drop of a hat can cause resentment to build when it’s at the cost of your own well-being - whether its your time or your energy. This is one of the many reasons that boundaries can work to maintain healthy relationships.
We might not even know that what we are feeling could be the result of boundaries violations in our relationships. There are many signs that can give us an indication of need for boundary setting.
How can boundaries work to maintain healthy relationships?
The main way that boundaries work to maintain health relationships is by protecting our time and energy. On the surface it seems pretty straight forward - the more I take care of myself, the better I’ll be able to support others. We all know the cliche about “not pouring from an empty cup”. Well, it’s a cliche for a reason! What happens when we lack boundaries is that we tend to give too much to our relationships and not enough to ourselves. So that the next time someone needs something from us, we have little left to give! This can be a recipe for disaster leading to feeling resentful, angry, unmotivated, and overwhelmed.
Boundaries can also help with clarifying individual responsibilities in relationships. What this means is that, in any type of relationship, we tend to have expectations of the other individual. Communicating boundaries allows us to open up these expectations. When we understand the expectations of others, we can determine whether we are willing and able to provide what they need. For example, have you ever found yourself feeling upset when seeking support from a friend or partner who is constantly playing on their phone - leaving you feeling frustrated and unheard? In this moment you may be seeking more from the interaction and probably want to set a boundary around phone usage while together. This allows the other person to understand your expectations of them, rather than leaving them unsaid and worsening the frustration and disconnect.
Finally, boundary setting helps strengthen independence, self-respect, and confidence. For many, the idea of saying no to others or expressing a need seems awful. This is typically because we tend to the thoughts, emotions, and experiences of others above our own. We believe that this is the “right” way to do things in order to keep connections with others. What boundary setting does is to send the message that you are worthy of time, attention, and having your needs met - just as much as those around you. When we’re able to appreciate and prioritize our own self-worth, we bring this to our relationships with others in ways that work to strengthen our connections.
Tips for communicating boundaries
It’s important to note that even if we communicate in the most gentle and assertive way possible, we cannot control how another person is going to receive our boundary setting. What we do have control over is how we communicate and maintain them. Consider the following points when problem solving around boundary setting.
Increase your awareness around what it is that you need. Communicating our boundaries with others first requires an understanding of our needs. For example, you’re feeling a lack of appreciation in your relationship. What is it that you need to feel appreciated? Is it limiting phone-time while together? Increasing quality time spent together? Help with housework and chores? The better the understanding we have of our needs, the more effectively we can communicate with others. It can be hard to communicate our needs without practice. A Needs Inventory can be a great support!
Avoid “accusatory language”. Accusatory language typically starts with “you”. For example, “you never listen to me”, “you don’t care about my time”, “you need too much from me”. Moving away from accusatory language means shifting the focus from the other person, to your own experience. This could sound like, “I’ve been feeling increasingly unappreciated lately and what I need is for us to spend more quality time together, away from our phones”. Another example might sound like, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m expected to be available 24/7 because I’m unable to fully enjoy my alone time. I would prefer for you to not text me after 8pm unless it’s an absolute emergency.”
When in doubt, try the following set up: I feel ______ when ______ because ______. I would prefer _____.
Assertiveness and flexibility are important in boundary setting. We want to be able to maintain our boundaries with assertiveness, and reevaluate them with flexibility. You may find that after setting a boundary for a period of time, you’re ready to reevaluate it’s role in your life. Rigid boundaries can have negative consequences on our relationships if we avoid opportunities to find a middle ground - flexible boundaries allow us to adapt to the needs of others while maintaining our own. Evaluating whether our boundaries are too loose or too rigid can be a helpful step in reflecting on their helpfulness.
Setting boundaries can be scary. However, they can also mean the protection of our energy and the strengthening of our relationship with others!
Feel like you could use some extra support in navigating the setting of boundaries? I can help! Book a free 15-minute consultation and we’ll work to develop a plan that fits your individual needs and gets you back to feeling your best.