I Love Me, I Love Me Not: Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism

Think about a time when you were working on something that meant a lot to you - something you wanted to do really well (maybe even perfectly). Perhaps it was studying for an exam, learning a new hobby, taking on more responsibility at work, or trying a new parenting technique. Now, picture how you felt when things didn't turn out exactly how you wanted it to (I repeat, perfectly).

Chances are that you went straight to beating yourself up.

“I’m an idiot”

“I should have done better”

“I can’t do anything right”

“I’ll never be able to do this”

This reaction towards putting ourselves down becomes a habit, automatic, natural.

We sometimes hold the view that being self-critical is a way to ensure that we do better next time - try harder, think smarter, be more careful. But is being hard on ourselves really the best motivator? Anxiety would like to make us think so.

The Myth About Self-Criticism

I’d like to argue that the biggest myth about self-criticism is that it works to motivate us to do better in the future. It’s certainly feels that way. What could be wrong with holding myself accountable, critiquing my performance, and learning from my mistakes? The thing about self-criticism is that it does so in a way that leaves us feeling defeated, anxious, and hopeless. If you constantly tell yourself that you’re not good enough, that you won’t succeed, that you should have done better, then you are left without a leg of confidence to stand on -and when it comes to motivation and a desire to do better, we need all the confidence we can get!

So where does that leave us? We have a desire to better ourselves and learn from our mistakes, but self-criticism seems to be, at best, ineffective. That’s where self-compassion comes in.

What is Self-Compassion?

Basically, self-compassion is the complete opposite of self-criticism - it’s a more valuable and productive counterpart. When we speak about self-compassion we mean more than just kindness. Self-compassion involves noticing and attending to your own suffering, making positive and healthy changes, ditching the self-critical talk for a more gentle approach. When we work to build ourselves up, rather than tearing ourselves down, we send the message that we are worthy of patience, love, and kindness. Self-compassion helps increase happiness, confidence, optimism and so much more!

So when you take a second to consider it, between self-criticism and self-compassion, which seems more likely to help guide us in making positive changes and learning from our mistakes? Certainly it’s self-compassion! So how can we work to strengthen it, when our self-critical talk has already become such a habit?

Practicing Self-Compassion

Strengthening self-compassion takes practice - as do most things that are worth it! The good news is that there are many different techniques we can use to help encourage its growth.

Become aware of your critical self-talk.

The first step would be to increase awareness around how you speak to yourself! Do you often attach negative labels to yourself and your performance? Do you plant self-doubt after a setback, telling yourself that you’ll never be good enough? Increasing our awareness around what we say, and how we say it, helps us understand specific unhelpful messages that may need some challenging!

Speak to yourself like a friend.

How would you speak to a friend or family member who came to you in distress? Chances are you wouldn’t tell them that they’re a failure and should have done better. You’re likely to try and comfort and support them in some way.

“You tried your best”

“I love you no matter what”

“How can I help?”

Notice the difference between these statements and the ones we usually tell ourselves. We are quick to offer our friends and family the love and support we feel they deserve - why don’t we do the same for ourselves? Try and practice speaking to yourself as you would to a friend who needs support.

Develop some positive affirmations.

Positive affirmations are the opposite of the self-critical messages we often feed ourselves. They are positive statements that help us to challenge the unhelpful thoughts that arise when we make a mistake, experience a set back, or struggle to make progress. Writing an affirmation statement can sometimes be difficult when we’re used to being hard on ourselves, but practicing a more balanced, gentle, and compassionate approach to self-talk can help increase increase our self-esteem, confidence, and motivation. Examples of positive affirmations can include: “I am a generous person”, “I have skills that help my success”, “I am beautiful”.

Do you struggle with negative self-talk and are looking to make some positive changes? We can help! Book a free 15-minute consultation for us to get to know you and your needs better, and offer you an opportunity to ask us any questions you may have!

Valerie St-Gelais, MACP, C.C.C.