If I Don’t Think About It, It’ll Go Away Right?
Thinking and talking about our emotional pain can be difficult and scary. And as humans, we tend to naturally avoid things that are difficult and scary - we want to protect ourselves wherever possible! As such, we spend a lot of time and energy working to ignore, downplay and escape our uncomfortable emotions - whether it be anger, sadness, jealousy, disappointment, etc. We don’t really think about how much time and energy goes into this process, but to put it simply, it’s a lot!
Emotional avoidance
Emotional avoidance can have a number of negative consequences including anxiety, depression, panic, and an actual increase in the intensity of the initial emotion. That’s right, avoiding a difficult emotion can have the opposite of the desired effect and actually increase the intensity and duration of that emotion. But alas, it’s difficult for us humans to think about it this way because we are driven to protect ourselves so that if something is uncomfortable, we’re going to “get rid” of it.
Where does this come from? Typically, we learn how to relate to our emotions from our family of origin and peers. You might have heard messages from those around you that resulted in the connection that negative emotions = bad. For example: “go to your room and don’t come back until you stop crying”, “don’t be a cry baby”, “It’s not a big deal”, “just forget about it and move on”, etc. You can probably think of a number of such sayings that are specific to your experience. Although these sorts of casual comments may seem innocent, we are highly observant creatures who tend to make meaning of the world around us from the moment we enter it. And if being told that our big emotions are not important, time-worthy, and valid, these messages stick with us long into adulthood and impact how we label, process, and express them.
There are several signs that you may be emotionally avoidant. Some are so common that we might not be aware that what’s happening is avoidance. For example, describing yourself as “fine", when in fact, you are not, is in indicator of avoidance around emotional expression. And don’t get me wrong, it is up to you, the individual, to choose who, when, why, and how you might express your feelings to another person. However, if a habit persists of letting your emotions build up and putting on a “positive face” for others, you may find yourself erupting at the most inconvenient of times. Because whether we like it or not, emotions will not go away because we simply ignore them (although wouldn’t that be nice sometimes!!).
So, knowing what we know about emotional avoidance, where does this leave us? If avoiding emotions typically doesn’t help in decreasing our distress (and can actually do the opposite), what does help?
Emotional Processing and Expression
Simply put, emotional processing and expressing means to allow ourselves the time and space to think, feel, and talk about our emotions. I say simply put because it can be really difficult, unfamiliar, and vulnerable to take these steps. I’d like to discuss several common myths that I believe act as a barrier between ourselves and emotional processing and expression. Taking a closer look at these myths and working to dispel them can help counter the avoidance discussed above.
Common Myths About Emotional Processing and Expression:
“Making time and space for my uncomfortable emotions will increase their intensity”
This ones tricky. Because initially, that might be the case. When we begin to allow time and space to feel our emotions, it can be extremely uncomfortable, especially if we lack helpful coping mechanisms. However, emotions typically run a course of initial intensity and decrease over time when given space and appropriate attention. Think of being at the top of a ski slope and riding down. Our initial emotional reactions can start pretty high, but when met with compassion and understanding, gradually start to go down.
“Talking about my emotions will burden others”
Another tricky one. Because we are social human beings and value the experiences of others, we often tend to think of the impact our thoughts, behaviours, and words have on those around us. Thus, we decide to keep our uncomfortable emotions to ourselves in order to avoid burdening others. This can be lonely, isolating and can actually take away from connecting and empathizing with others. It can help to imagine the situation being reversed. If you knew someone close to you was struggling and worried about burdening you by opening up, what might you say? Chances are we would be fully welcoming and supportive. What’s to say the same can’t be true for you?
“There is a right and wrong way to feel in every situation” & “Uncomfortable emotions are bad”
Human are too complex to categorize emotions as “right” or “wrong”. In fact, this is an example of a common thinking trap called black/white thinking which leads us to think in patterns of good/bad, right/wrong and ignore the grey areas in between. For example, “it’s wrong of me to still be upset by that comment”. In this statement you’re engaging in self-criticism related to your emotions because for a number of possible reasons you believe they are wrong. However, and I can’t stress this enough, when it comes to emotions there are no right or wrongs!! You may be still be upset by that comment because it’s the 5th time you heard it this week, or because it came as a surprise from someone close to you. The situation is more complex and your emotional reactions are valid. In fact, all of our emotions tell us something important. Even uncomfortable ones like anger, grief, and stress. It’s our body’s way of sending us a message. And that’s why, although difficult to experience, uncomfortable emotions are not bad. They can spring us into action and influence the decisions we make. They may be telling us that we need a break, to stick up for ourselves, or to ask for a need. Listening to what our emotions are trying to tell us is a skill that we can develop we practice!
Tips for Emotional Processing and Expression.
Start with noticing. As we discussed, our tendency to avoid discomfort can result in a difficulty with noticing our own emotions. Without noticing them first, we have nowhere to go. Noticing might include asking yourself what happened, exploring where in your body you’re feeling the emotion, and naming it.
Practice self-compassion. Self-compassion often feels unnatural - we can be very quick to judge ourselves! However, judging an emotional response can lead to intensifying the initial emotion and adding onto it shame and embarrassment. Try talking to yourself as you would a friend who came to you with a similar difficulty: “It’s okay to feel this way”, “we all make mistakes”, “I care about you”.
Reach out to others. Whether it’s a friend, family member, coworker, or therapist, talking openly about our emotions can decrease feelings of shame and isolation and allows others who care about us to give support. It may not be easy - reaching out takes strength! Connecting with others can offer us emotional support, knowledgeable advice, new perspectives and practical help. Most importantly, it lets us know we are not alone.
Valerie, MACP, C.C.C.